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    July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2005

    "The slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts" ~ George Orwell

    "An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible." ~ Unknown

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    Tuesday, October 19, 2004

    Kerry runs on his record: A fictional speech by me

    This fake Kerry speech is made from the Factcheck.org article listing Kerry's record in the Senate. I didn't cover his voting record, but there's material there too...

    "My fellow Americans, we all know that I fought as a young man for this country, and I will fight for it as president. But many have asked if I fought for it in the Senate. My friends, this is simply partisan hackery of the worst sort. Smears- Smears!. I have been a distinguished member of the Senate for some 20 years and my record shows it. Labels are useless, I keep saying.

    My colleague and good friend, a Republican by the way, used to call me 'Live Shot'. Heh heh...I can take it. And the reason I can is that I know what he meant. I was like live ammunition, ready to fight for the most important causes of our country. My faith carried me through a war, but my deeds have carried me through the Congress. I have passed 11 bills in the Senate, and one or two have even been signed in to law by a president. Also I claim 24 resolutions that don't carry the force of law, but which I assure you were forceful resolutions that carry the force of the heart and soul of this country, such as S.Res.123: To change the name of the Committee on Small Business to the "Committee on Small Business and Entrepreneurship. And then there was S.Res.216: Honoring Milton D. Stewart for his leadership and service at the Small Business Administration. Ahem. They won't tell you, but I will. If you say that even though I have fought hard for small businesses, what other strong resolutions have I composed? Well I'll just tell you in a list because I plan on continuing my distinguished record on strong rhetoric. Ahem.

    S.Res.144: To encourage the European Community to vote to ban driftnets for all European Community fishing fleets.

    S.Res.133: To make May 21, 1991 “National Land Trust Appreciation Day.

    And many, many others. Twenty others, in fact. And that's not even the 11 real bills, including 7 that became law. They won't count the gold medal and special day we gave posthumously to Jackie Robinson or the one where I made a slight change to an existing program. But it was for small business, so you know that I was fighting for you. I passed these bills, and the Bush campaign won't tell you that. Simply because they didn't become law is no reason to say that is not a great accomplishment by the Senate. Let me just list for you 5 bills that the Bush campaign is willing to credit me with.

    S.791: Authorizes $53 million over four years to provide grants to woman-owned small businesses. Ahem. Notice that this one is not just for small businesses, but for *minority* small businesses. That's important, because the Bush campaign won't point out this accomplishment.

    S.1206: Names a federal building in Waltham, Massachusetts after Frederick C. Murphy, who was killed in action during World War II and awarded (posthumously) the Medal of Honor. Ahem. I don't know if you are aware of the great deeds of my good friend Fred Murphy, but his lesbian daughter has told me that she knows that having her father's name on a building is the people's work. I fought for this country as a young man, and I fought for Republican Fred C. Murphy's gay daughter. If she owns a small business she will be happy I paid my dues in the well of the Senate.

    S.1636: A save-the-dolphins measure aiming “to improve the program to reduce the incidental taking of marine mammals during the course of commercial fishing operations.” Ahem. Whooo among us does not love dolphins? Ahem.

    S.1563: Funding the National Sea Grant College Program, which supports university-based research, public education, and other projects “to promote better understanding, conservation and use of America’s coastal resources.” I have a strong record on protecting the oceans that I grew up with and hold dear. I learned a lot about the ocean in the Navy, fighting for this country in Vietnam, and I live on the coast. I've long been a fighter for the coastlines of this country, which is a big part of my border control plan. If you go to johnkerry.com you'll see.

    And finally, because I think immigration is so important that I am willing to give it attention on an individual level S.423: Granting a visa and admission to the U.S. as a permanent resident to Kil Joon Yu Callahan. And who among us does not love Kil Joon Yu Callahan?

    And I also passed 4 joint resolutions, a true effort of bicameral bipartisanship. I worked with republicans and democrats to arrange for 4 special recognition days. First there was World Population Awareness Week in 1989, and then the second resolution was to renew “World Population Awareness Week” for 1991. That's seven days each but the Bush campaign won't even count it for two, because they don't want you to know my real record. Then there were the two days(which also carried resolutions in the senate which I voted for because of my sense of duty to this great nation), which I dedicated to the Vietnam war, in which I fought for this country.

    Vietnam Veterans Memorial 10th Anniversary Day. Ahem. To celebrate the tenth anniversary of the memorial, which is sort of a constant anniversary itself. Such are the levels of my commitment to our veterans. But that's not all. I also helped pass my own National POW/MIA Recognition Day, because it's important that every event, every memorial to that event, and every citizen involved in that event, or who I personally author a bill to grant citizenship to, or small business owners, or even the coastline, can have their own special day.

    And then there are the many other bills in committee that I authored and voted for, prior to voting against them. The Bush campaign won't tell you about all my votes. I will tell you honestly: when I was there, I voted. I spent a lot of time voting and being on comittees, so perhaps you will remember that if you think that twenty years of service turns on which laws I myself authored. I have voted more times, in committees and on the floor, than the difference in my net worth to the people in this audience, as I can tell from looking around the room. So don't listen to the evil and stupid Bush people, who can only screw up and hide it. They are going to do everything bad that you can possibly imagine and I'm not trying to scare you when I say that. I'm just telling you to beware of their lies and fearmongering, because that's how they do business. Thank you for listening, and I only wish I had gotten a chance to be more clear about my Senate record before this. I'm glad I've given you a chance to get to know me. God bless America."

    The Bush campaign has said that I have only passed 5 laws. They won't tell you the truth. I passed over twice that, as I have said. They also won't tell you how important those laws were. The next thing you'll hear is the right wing spin machine telling you that

    posted by M@ at 5:19 AM   1 comments links to this post


    At 8:10 PM, Blogger Drew said...

    Hearty applause!


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